a life creative
I’m back on the blog, first of all to acknowledge and give thanks to my family and friends who came through for me this year, for the messages, emails, film and music suggestions, long conversations, vocal message postcards, gifts of kindness, advice, friendship, and emotional support of all kinds. From the halls of my heart and soul, thank you.
The very last post I wrote back in February (which I’ve removed as it seems irrelevant now) was a farewell to my blog and its readers and any notions of expending energy promoting my art for any conceivable commercial gain.
I’d missed the boat, I thought, handed my power over to feeling broken by the world, for a time. Not self pity, but more like a white hot rage and crippling anxiety with nowhere to go and, given my situation, no inner space or peace or energy to feel creativity flow through simply for the sake of it anymore. So I stayed stuck in a holding pattern, until the situation had me bite down on my fear and ask again for help.
That was on the eve of the pandemic in Europe, and as well as personal and collective dealings with Covid, I’ve since left a heartbreakingly unhealthy situation, flew on the last flight out to a military zone Italy, finalised my divorce, nursed my terminally ill cat Scottparker from here to the hereafter, and, while no one is beholden to my situation, I lost a handful of people I’d called friends to their cutting two-dimensional judgement of me in my circumstances.
And though they added to the toxic soup of the day, those few folk have since been fully and totally eclipsed by the tide of golden human beings to whom I will be forever and ever indebted, for their support and help and hope. These bright lights heard me and came through with patience, gentleness and kindness and without a lick of judgement, and through them I was directed to a therapist to help me braid up the trailing threads of my life. My therapist got the ball rolling simply by asking me: “What are you willing to accept?”
And in spite of the emotional, biological, geographical and political advent calendar that is the year 2020, really, really positive things have happened. I got a little EU travel in, before and between waves, I fostered two abandoned kittens, foraged for wild food all spring, summer and autumn, walked, read, exercised, breathed out, ate, drank wine, gained back all my lost weight, and reconnected with people who care For who I am as I am (not what they think I should be), and for whom I genuinely care, including a wonderful friend I hadn’t heard from since 2017.
And I started creating again.
I’ve back here since April, and I’ve been making art and writing an average of 6 hours a day, every day.
I’ve decided to get back on the blog mostly because there are a number of friends and readers who aren’t on social media, and they’ve written to tell me they’ve missed my art and poetry arriving in their inbox from the blog, which warms me to the bones.
Thank you again and again and again.